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How To Behave So Your Children Will, Too!
Parenting Today is a quarterly newsletter that shares tips and insights from Dr. Sal Severe, author of How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too! You can enjoy articles from the newsletter here on the Web site or you can have your own copy e-mailed to you. If you'd like a copy e-mailed, please click here.
Teach your children respect for others
Sal Severe, Ph.D
Our world is filled with disrespect. Politicians deny the truth. Professional
athletes spit at umpires. Students cuss at teachers. Respect for others
is learned. The place where children first learn about respect is
in their own home.
Teach your children to respect themselves.
It is difficult for children to show respect for others until they
first learn to respect themselves. One of the best ways to teach your
children how to respect themselves is to show them respect. As your
children recognize that you are treating them with dignity and respect,
they learn that they are worthy of respect. Be respectful by being
a good listener. When your children speak to you, stop what you are
doing and listen. Show your child that he is important and you are
interested in what he has to say. Listening is an excellent way to
show respect for your child. Children realize that you respect them
when you ask their opinion. Thank them for sharing their ideas.
Model respect in your home.
Children learn respect by copying you. Observing ways that you show
respect enables your children to learn how to show respect. For example,
be polite to each other. Use please and thank you when you speak to
your family members. Respect yourself. Avoid complaining about your
personal life in front of your children. Such dissatisfaction makes
them feel less secure about their life, and causes them to feel less
respect for themselves.
Fathers who treat their wives with respect are teaching their sons
how to respect women. Mothers who treat their husbands with respect
are teaching their daughters how to respect men. Teaching your children
a respect for opposite genders while they are young enables them to
respect the opposite sex when they are adults.
Treat your children's grandparents with respect. Show appreciation
for their wisdom and experiences. You not only teach your children
to honor their grandparents, you are teaching your children how to
respect you.
When your children accompany you, demonstrate respect for those you
meet. At the grocery checkout or at the bank, thank the people behind
the counter. You are modeling respect and appreciation for their help.
Everyone is worthy of respect.
Teach children to respect others by showing them how to help those
who are less fortunate. Ask them to donate their toys to a church
rummage sale. If they are older, encourage them to help you volunteer
at a homeless shelter or at a soup kitchen. You are sharing the message
that all people are worthy of proper treatment.
Prejudice and bigotry are learned behaviors. Children hear and remember
racial comments that adults make. If your child overhears someone
make such a comment, take the time to explain that in our family,
we do not talk that way. We treat everyone with respect.
Children will learn about racial disharmony in school and other environments
when you are not present. Make them aware that they may encounter
individuals or groups who are prejudiced. Explain that people who
show disrespect for others are destructive. Do not look to gangs for
security, support and affiliation. These groups only tear you down.
When you provide your children with dignity, respect and security
at home and at your church or synagogue, they will be less likely
to search for these needs elsewhere.
Help your children to respect others who are different.
As you celebrate your culture and family traditions, particularly
during holidays, talk with your children about how other families
celebrate in different ways. Invite friends to share in an evening
of your family traditions. Ask them to tell your children how they
celebrate their traditions. The more cultural diversity your children
experience, the greater the potential for respect for others. Familiarity
and contact nurture increased tolerance and acceptance. By exposing
your children to the diversity in our culture, you help them recognize
the rainbow of humanity that makes up our world.
At the same time, you have the opportunity to show your children that
all people are more alike than they are different. All people share
emotions of joy and experience hurt. Help your children understand
how much their words can hurt others. Ask how they feel when they
experience hurtful words. Ask them to talk to others in the way they
would like to be spoken to.
Look for the beauty of our world.
We are a visual culture. We tend to make superficial judgments. Teach
children to see other qualities besides skin tone or physical capability.
Teach them about the beauty in a smile, the feelings in a song, the
joy of a happy laugh. When you teach your children to recognize the
beauty of every person, you will be giving them a gift that will serve
them well for the rest of their lives.
R - E - S - P - E - C - T
Ask Dr. Sal: Real-Life Answers to *Your* Questions
Q. My sixth grade daughter and one of her classmates used to be best
friends. Something happened between them. My daughter says she does
not know what it was. Now, the other girl has turned other children
against my daughter. My daughter comes home upset about school every
day. What should I do? Should I talk with the teacher or the other
girl's parents?
A. I would'nt talk to the teacher or parents yet. This is a common
problem through middle school and into the first years of high school.
Children are best friends one week and worst enemies the next. Even
though it is common, your daughter is experiencing real hurt. This
is never easy for a parent to see. You want to console your daughter
but you also want her to understand that this type of behavior happens
and she should not let it be the end of her social life. You can offer
her advice, but be careful. If she tries one of your ideas and it
does not work, then it is your fault. It may help to pose your suggestions
as ideas from your adolescence. Remind her that she has other friends
or that this might be a good time to make some new friends. Encourage
your daughter to talk to her upset friend in private and ask what
is going on. Encourage your daughter to apologize if she has done
something to offend her former friend. If I have done something to
make you mad I am sorry. I want us to be friends again.
If the problem has been going on for more than a month or if your
daughter is feeling physically ill about going to school, then it
may be time to speak with the teacher, school counselor or psychologist
to see what they might suggest. I would be cautious about speaking
to the other girl's parents unless you have a good relationship with
them that is independent of the daughter's former friendship.
Q. My son is going be a sophomore in high school next year. He brought
home his class schedule, and it has three classes that I would consider
too easy. I am worried that he won't be prepared for a good college
unless he takes more challenging academic classes. When I spoke to
him about this, he became angry and said that this was his life and
I should basically butt out. I feel it is still my responsibility to
supervise his schooling. What can I do?
A. You are absolutely correct. It is still your responsibility to
supervise his education. What you are experiencing with your son is
the adolescent attitude: I know all I need to know about the world,
and this is what I want. You have to work with this attitude--not against
it. Work through this with compromise and negotiating. Explain that
you are concerned about his future. You are not trying to be controlling.
I suggest a meeting with the school guidance counselor. You may preface
the meeting with a phone call to the counselor to be sure he or she
understands your concerns. Be sure to ask if you are on the right
track. It may be that you are expecting your son to take classes that
are too challenging for him. Or it may be that these courses are not
required as they were when you and I went to college. Don't forget
to keep the big picture in mind. You want your son to be prepared
for college, but you also want him to have fun and learn to be a well-rounded
person. An occasional art, music or drama class can do a lot to enhance
a student's self-esteem.
The long-awaited How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too! videotape
is now available!
At last you can see Dr. Sal Severe in action as he teaches parents
his messages about modeling behavior and positive reinforcement. During
his six-hour parenting seminar, Dr. Sal answers parent's real questions.
The highlights are featured on this information-packed, four-hour
video.
The video retails for $49.95.
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