Wise parents connect special activities to good behavior. About ten years ago, I was spending a few days with some friends from high school. They have three children of various ages. One evening, we all piled into their van and went out for ice cream. Later that night, after the children had all gone to bed, we began talking about being parents. My friends asked if I had any suggestions for them. I said, "Never give away the ice cream."

I explained that at no time was any connection made between their children's behavior that day and our trip for ice cream. Successful parents connect special events to good behavior. "You have had an excellent day today. Mom and I would like to take you out for some ice cream." You can be more specific: "I saw you sharing several times today. That's something that makes Mom and me feel fantastic. When we feel good, we feel like doing something special."

I am not suggesting that we stuff sweets in our children's mouths whenever they are well behaved. I advise most parents to avoid sweets in favor of special activities. There are many ways to make the connection between having a good day and special events; going out for dinner, going to a movie, or even going for a Sunday afternoon drive. What about days when behavior has not been so good? Do not go out for ice cream on bad days.

Do not give special activities away. I have always found that teachers who are good disciplinarians use this idea instinctively. These teachers make statements such as, "Danny, you worked hard on math this morning. Please take this note to the office for me." "Jill, you really helped Jason with his reading, please help me hand out these papers." I once observed a teacher who said, "Beth, you have been pleasant to work with this afternoon. I'd like you to stay at the end of the line and shut the lights off when we go to Art class." This clever teacher made a privilege out of being last in line.

Children love special activities. That's why special activities are such powerful incentives for good behavior. Playing computer games, talking on the telephone and going out with friends are examples of activity incentives. Use activity incentives this way: first you work, then you play. Clean your room before you play video games. Do your homework before you watch television. Do not get trapped by promises. "I will study after the movie."

Always add an encouraging comment when your child earns an activity. "I hope you feel good about earning extra TV time." Emphasize feeling good about yourself, not the TV time. Enhance activities by becoming involved. Playing a game is fun. Playing a game with a parent is more fun. There are special privilege activities such as staying up late or spending the night at a friend's home.

Connect privileges to good behavior - but be careful. Do not dangle every little activity in front of your children's noses. That will give them the wrong idea. You do not want them to think they have to be perfect. They will resent you for this and develop a poor attitude about working toward goals. Allow some fun activities to happen routinely. You also do not want them to think that every time they behave, you have to come up with a special reward. Children need to learn that good behavior is important because it is the right thing to do.

Are tangible incentives okay? Tangible incentives are things children want. Examples are food, toys, CD's, money, etc. Tangible incentives work best when they are accompanied with words of thanks and encouragement. "Here's your allowance Sue. You did a great job on your chores this week. Good for you."

What follows is a list of fun activities and incentives for your children. This list was developed with the help of more than three thousand parents over a five year period. Whenever I taught a class, I would have parents write down examples of incentives that worked with their children. I collected their ideas and compiled this list. You can use this list to create a menu of incentives. When your children make good choices, behave well or simply have a good day, bring out the menu. Let your children choose an activity from the menu as their incentive. This builds better decision-making skills and creates stronger self-esteem. Enjoy your ice cream.

This article was taken from Sal Severe's new book, How To Behave So Your Children Will, Too! This book is a collection of entertaining stories and practical ideas gathered from the author's 20 years experience working as a school psychologist and teaching parenting classes to 12,000+ parents. For more information about Dr. Sal's book or workshops, call 1-800-866-5208 or write to Greentree Publishing, P.O. Box 27672, Tempe, Az. 85285-7672.

Here is a list of fun activities and incentives that are sure to motivate your children.

Using the computer A special day with a parent Surprises Back rubs Thank you notes in the lunch box Thank you notes through the mail Having lunch at school Books/Reading a story Posters Science kits Working on models, building kits Board games/puzzles Magic tricks Painting/drawing/supplies Playing outside/Playing catch Sporting events Baseball cards Going for a walk/Going on a family bike ride Going for a drive Going on a mystery ride New clothes Watching television Using the VCR/renting a movie Playing video games Using the telephone Making popcorn Staying up late on weekends Spending time at a friend's house Spending the night at a friend's house Having a friend come to the house Having a slumber party Making a blanket tent Camp-out in the backyard Singing songs/Playing music Going to a relative's house Kite flying Going swimming, fishing/skating, bowling Playing miniature golf Going to the movies Going to the zoo, park, museum, library Going out to eat Allowing child to choose the restaurant

Having a pizza delivered Bubble baths/toys in tub Brushing hair Helping prepare a meal/dessert Helping mom or dad with projects Treats/Ice cream Stickers/sticker books/happy faces Stars/points on a chart Money/allowance/savings account Mystery jar with awards inside Activities with friends/Going to the Mall/Shopping Computer time/On-line account New clothes Cosmetics/Hair Styled Money/allowance/Doing work for money Having a weekly goal Projects/hobby supplies Having a friend over for lunch/dinner Going out with a friend for lunch/dinner Choosing an activity for the family Time alone/Being allowed to do things alone/Choice time Staying up later than younger siblings Music/stereo time/Tapes, CD's School materials Pets/pet supplies Special trips with school, church, clubs Dances/Parties/Evening events/Dating Telephone time/own phone line Sporting events Playing cards Working on cars/Using tools Extended Curfew Concerts Cooking Decorating their room Pick their own time to do chores Going on a business trip with parent