Sal Severe, Ph.D.

One of the most exasperating aspects of parenthood is managing misbehavior. When we are caught up in the midst of a misbehavior event, we are not always at our emotional best, and our use of reason often disappears. Wouldn't it be nice if there were a specific, practical strategy right at your fingertips? Here is a plan that will help you determine the most effective way of managing misbehavior.

Most acts of misconduct occur as part of a pattern. Children develop one or more patterns of misbehavior in order to get what they want or to express an emotion. There are four typical patterns of misbehavior.

• Annoying misbehavior, such as whining, teasing, nagging, pouting, tantrums, etc.;
• Disobedient misbehaviors, such as not following rules, not doing chores;
• Defiant misbehavior, such as refusing to listen or arguing;
• Aggressive misbehavior, which can be verbal such as name calling, put-downs; or physical, such as biting, kicking, hitting, spitting or fighting.

Identifying the pattern points to the purpose or function of the misbehavior. Although you can never be certain of a child's motive or purpose, we know that most misbehavior does have a purpose.

When misbehavior is annoying, children may be trying to get their way. They may be trying to get you to give in or change your mind. When children are disobedient, it may be that they are not internally or externally motivated to do what you want. They may be very motivated to do something else, like ignore you. This can lead to defiance. Children who are defiant are typically after control or power. They either do not want to do what you ask or they want to do what you do not permit. Children who exhibit aggressive behavior are often expressing anger, frustration or revenge. They may be hurt because they did not get their way or because they believe that you have done something against them.

Ignore annoying behaviors. This does not mean to ignore the problem. The correct action is to ignore the whining or teasing. Do not give in to demands. Tantrums need an audience. It is fine to say, "I am ignoring you." It is also helpful to use redirection. "My ears do not listen to whining, please ask in a polite voice." As a long-term solution, reinforce replacement behaviors, such as asking politely and speaking calmly.

When a child is disobedient, give a firm warning to stop. "Think about what you are doing. If you continue, you will be punished. You decide." In other words, give a firm warning, point out that this behavior is not a good idea and explain that he or she needs to make a better decision or punishment will occur. Explain that a poor choice will result in a negative consequence or outcome. Explain that a good choice will result in a positive consequence or outcome. "It is okay to not want to do it-but you still have to do it." Use yourself as an example. "There are times when I have to do things I do not want to do. But I still do them." As a long-term solution, reinforce replacement behaviors, such as being obedient and respectful.

Children who are defiant are usually seeking control. Remain calm. If you get upset, your child wins. Be consistent. Be prepared to follow through the first time. If you find yourself getting dragged into an argument, remember to control yourself first. Say, "I need to calm down before this goes any further. I am going to deal with me, and then I'll come back and deal with you." As a long-term solution, reinforce replacement behaviors, such as doing what is asked without an argument. "Thank you for listening the first time I asked you to take out the garbage. I appreciate it very much." "If you speak to me calmly, I will listen to what you have to say."

Minimizing the effects of verbal aggression by not overreacting. This is difficult. It helps to talk with your child during a calm moment and explain the consequences of name calling-how words can hurt other's feelings. "It is okay to be upset (angry) but it is not okay to use bad words and hurt another person's feelings."

Intervene quickly to stop physical aggressive. You may need to apply a sit-away or time out. Once your child is calm and willing to talk, explain the consequences. Someone could be hurt, either physically or emotionally. Then explain that it is okay to be upset, but it is not okay to strike out. "I understand that you are angry, but it is not okay to hit." For younger children, say, "Use your words." This helps children learn to use words to express how they feel. As a long-term solution for aggression, reinforce replacement behaviors, such as playing together, sharing, speaking politely and properly expressing anger with words or drawings. You also need to be a good example by maintaining your own emotional self-control.

Although there is no cookbook for managing misbehavior, this plan provides a simple but effective strategy. The only permanent way to improve a child's behavior is to build self-esteem. Always make this your focus. Do the right thing because it feels good to do the right thing.

Sal Severe, Ph.D. is a school psychologist, speaker and author of How to Behave, So Your Children Will, Too! Chair of the Psychological Services Department for the Cartwright School District in Phoenix, he also conducts parenting workshops throughout the United States.