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ASK THE AUTHORS a Q&A Session for Raising a G-Rated Family in an X-Rated World Here are some of the questions Brent and Phelecia hear when they speak to parents around the country and in their online chats. ENJOYING YOUR CHILDREN Q. How can we enjoy being parents even when our children misbehave and challenge us in other ways? A.You cannot accuse children of being boring. They will always think of something you are unprepared to handle. Being a parent is demanding. Parenting requires countless sacrifices and continuous hard work. Fortunately, there are many rewards: the pride of achievement, the miracle of growth and development; warmth and affection. If your children's misbehavior is depriving you of these rewards, you are being cheated. Do not let their misbehavior interfere. You are doing the work without the glory. You are being denied the pleasures of parenting. You deserve to enjoy your children. All parents want to enjoy their children. Few parents get the enjoyment they deserve. It is easy to appreciate your children when they are cooperative and well behaved. You can spend your time and energy on pleasant endeavors. You do not have to yell and argue. It is difficult to enjoy your children when they misbehave. Misconduct creates tension. Many parents avoid their children to escape the stress and irritated feelings. They send their children outside to play so they do not have to deal with them. They cannot wait until the children go to bed. They see their children as a burden and resent them. They hope for the day when their children leave home. This is a tragic waste of a precious opportunity. Being a successful parent is hard work. Developing well-behaved children requires courage and patience. Trust yourself. You know what is best for your children. Concentrate on the real issues: mental health, happiness, self-respect, and love of others. Some parents believe that love alone will create delightful children. Love is essential, but it does not guarantee good behavior. Misbehavior is not pleasant. There is a better way. You have a right to enjoy being a parent. Do not let your children's misbehavior keep you from enjoying them. Take action. Plan to change the misbehavior and then have fun. Laugh and play and get involved with your children. It will keep you feeling young. These are the most valuable years of your life.
CONSIDERING SLEEPOVERS Q. We don't allow our kids to spend the night at other people's houses, and they get really upset. They feel as if they are missing out. What should we do? A.Phelecia and I have a very strict policy about sleepovers. We have good reason to be cautious. When Phelecia was 12, she had a friend named Leslie Berry. One day after school Leslie suggested swimming at her apartment. Phelecia's mom was working at the time and so Phelecia always had to call her and check in. Phelecia's mom asked who would supervise the girls and then would not let Phelecia go swimming when she found out the apartment manager would be taking care of them. Phelecia's mom said that she didn't have a good feeling about it. Phelecia was angry and disappointed, and Phelecia's friend left. About a week later Phelecia found out that Leslie had been murdered by the apartment manager, who had also been molesting her. As parents, we all have instincts and feelings about what is right and wrong for our children and it is so important for us to listen to these feelings. To this day, Phelecia is grateful that her mom followed her instincts. As for your situation, take time to explain your sleepover policy to your kids. Your reasons might not be as dramatic as ours, but they are just as valid. Then offer other suggestions: the child or teen can come spend the night at your house; or your child can go over to a friend's house and stay until 10:30 p.m. Try to find a solution whereby you can meet each other half way. Sometimes the children are going to be upset and not want to do what you ask them, but you are the parent and at some point, we hope, they will understand that.
HEADING OFF HOMEWORK HASSLES Q. What can parents do to make homework less of a hassle for the whole family? A.Homework is one of the greatest sources of conflict between children and parents. Children avoid doing homework. They procrastinate until the last minute. They fail to bring it home. They make excuses. They do as little as possible. They take too long. They do it too fast. They do not do their best. Parents become frustrated and angry with these attitudes and behaviors. The source of this frustration is often disappointment. We want our children to do well in school. Parents become embarrassed when children perform poorly on their homework. They wonder, “What will the teacher think of me?” Most parents realize the value of homework. Most children do not. Parents know that homework reinforces skills. Practice makes perfect. Children see homework as repetitive and busywork. Parents know that children who do quality homework learn more and get better grades. Some children see homework as a penalty for not getting everything done at school. Parents and teachers need to be partners in the development of healthy homework habits in children. Teachers need to explain the value of homework to their students. Teachers need to explain that homework is to help the students learn. It impacts their grades and their futures. Homework develops responsibility, independence, and accountability. It develops personal organization skills and teaches children to manage their time. Your job as a parent is to be a homework facilitator. There are several factors to consider when developing successful homework strategies. Visit or call your child's teacher and ask about his or her homework policy. How often will homework be given? How much homework will there be? What subjects? Ask to be notified in advance when special projects are due. When are the tests? Will there be study guides? This information will enable you to develop a better homework plan. Children need to know that doing homework is their job not yours. Many parents have to stand over their children each night. Every assignment is a struggle. Homework is between your child and his teacher. You are only a facilitator. Your job is to help — not do it for him. Do not make this mistake. If you are already trapped in this dilemma, stop tonight. Tell your child that your responsibility is to help. His responsibility is to complete the homework. Here is what you can do to help: Homework Time Be sure your child has enough time to do homework. Children are involved in many activities: athletics, music lessons, dance class, scouts, and church clubs. These are excellent, but homework must be the priority. Have a set time for homework each day. Negotiate this time with your children, if possible. Reschedule around other activities only when necessary. Check with your child's teacher to determine how much time will be needed. If your child has no homework, he can read from his favorite book for 30 minutes. The same is true for a child who “forgets” his homework. These techniques let children know that homework is important. Homework Place Have a specific place to do homework. This place should be distraction free. Turn off the TV during homework time. Parents can set an example by reading. Be sure your child has a table and chair. The kitchen table works fine, as long as there is quiet. Be sure there is adequate lighting. Have all necessary supplies nearby so that homework time is not spent hunting for glue or tape or paper. Your child's teacher can give you a list of items to put into a supply box. Older children may need a calculator and, eventually, a computer. Homework Strategy Some children resist doing homework. The first thing to do is to be sure the child can do the homework. Check with the teacher. If ability is not the problem, it may be that your child sees the assignment as overwhelming. Break the assignment into more manageable parts. This promotes success. Preview the assignment with your child. Read the directions and check for understanding. Do the first question or problem with your child. This will let him know that, while it may seem difficult at first, he can do it. Provide encouragement at each step. “You do the next three on your own and then I'll come back and check them.” Tell your child that you have confidence in his ability to complete the work and do his best. “You did the first one correctly, I bet you can do the next three and get them all right.” Be available to answer questions. Another strategy is to teach children to do the worst first. If your child has difficulty with math, have them do it first. They will get it over and will feel relieved. The remaining assignments will be less threatening. Doing the worst first makes more sense because your child is more alert mentally. More about homework challenges, including what to do when your child questions the relevance of homework, how to find a homework buddy for your child, and how to help promote accuracy, can be found in Chapter 12 of “Raising a G-Rated Family in an X-Rated World.” Homework Incentives For most children, the organization and planning strategies discussed above, along with some verbal encouragement, are enough to get successful homework habits started. For some children these tactics are not enough. Some children are reluctant. Some children dawdle. These children need stronger incentives. Use computers and educational software to motivate your children. There are hundreds of software programs that reinforce reading, spelling, and math skills. There are interactive encyclopedias, history, and science programs. There are on-line research services. These kinds of learning tools are fun and exciting. Checklists, charts, and contracts are good motivators. Have daily, weekly, or long-term pay-offs. Make a list of the specific activities that your child must follow in order to improve homework habits. Use a checklist to emphasize the importance of taking responsibility. Children must realize that school success and doing homework is for them, not you. You already have your education. They need to learn to do well in school to please themselves, not you. Punishment does not motivate children to do better in school. Punishment does not motivate children to do their best on homework. You can not make your child learn. Motivation to learn and do school work can only be achieved through encouragement and self-discipline. Avoid homework power struggles. Arguments over homework only provide your children with another button to push.
REWARDING GOOD BEHAVIOR Q. How do you suggest rewarding children for good behavior? A.Joey decides to stop associating with Tim. He has decided that Tim gets in too much trouble. Joey's parents praise his decision. “That took a lot of courage. It shows you are thinking for yourself. Growing up isn't always easy. You seem to be handling it quite well. We are proud of you. We hope you are proud of yourself.” Tiffany runs up to her mother. “My room is clean, Mom. Come and take a look.” Mom examines the room. “Great job, Tiffany. You should be proud of yourself. Your room looks very neat.” Joey's parents and Tiffany's mom are using positive feedback. They are looking for good decisions. They are pointing out the things their children are doing well. It is like shining a spotlight on good behavior. Positive feedback is the most powerful tool you have to improve your children's behavior and self-esteem. Positive feedback is a pay-off for good behavior. Positive feedback means using praise or incentives to encourage good decision-making. Positive feedback is not something new, but we often forget to use it. If you desire better behavior from your children, increasing your awareness and use of positive feedback is essential. How to Use Positive Feedback You can use positive feedback in two ways — to increase desirable behavior or decrease undesirable behavior. Using positive feedback to strengthen a desired behavior is easy. Simply look for a good behavior. When it occurs, reinforce it. When your children are well behaved, reward them with a few words of praise or encouragement, a hug, or a privilege. You would like your children to share with each other. When your children share something, reinforce the sharing. You could say: “I like the way you are sharing.” “I see you have decided to share your toys this morning. That's a good decision.” “I am proud of the way you are sharing the TV. That shows you are growing up. Good for you!” Positive feedback is simple to use. The difficult part is remembering to look for the good behavior. Often, we only see the misbehavior in our children and take good behavior for granted. Be proactive. Strengthen good behavior by telling your children you appreciate it. Focus on the positive aspects of your children's behavior. That takes practice. If you increase your use of positive feedback, even if you make no other changes in your parenting behavior, your children will start making better decisions. Replacement You can also use positive feedback to eliminate or weaken misbehavior. This technique works with patterns of misbehavior, not misbehavior that is staring you in the face. First, determine the misbehavior. Next, determine the opposite behavior. Six-year-old Nathan argues and fights with his four-year-old sister, Ashley. The opposite of this misbehavior occurs when Nathan is playing nicely and cooperating with Ashley. Praise Nathan for playing nicely. Playing cooperatively will replace fighting. He will learn a more acceptable way of playing. “You are helping your sister draw. Good for you.” The arguing and fighting will occur less often. This is a simple but effective strategy. Use positive feedback to strengthen the opposite behavior. The original misbehavior will decrease. Most parents see the value in using positive feedback. It is common sense. There are some parents who resist the use of rewards and incentives. Whenever we face this concern, we explain how children are motivated. Many children are self-motivated to be well behaved and cooperative. This is not the case with all children. Positive feedback gives children a motivation boost. It builds self-esteem. Positive feedback encourages children to be more self-motivated. Adults need positive feedback, too. Paychecks are an example of positive feedback. Your self-motivation would not keep you at work if you were not paid. This is how our society operates. The sooner children learn this idea the better. Parents who object to using rewards must remember that their goal is to have children who make good decisions. Not all children are self-motivated to achieve this goal. Using positive feedback gets things going in the right direction. Then self-motivation takes over. Aim for Self Reward Use positive feedback that teaches your child to value himself. “You made the right choice because you knew it was the correct thing to do.” It is all right for children to behave and work hard to please their parents. It is better when they behave and work hard for themselves. I like the way you did that. (Good) Well done. You should be proud of yourself. (Better) The second statement creates a sense of success and self-value. It is aimed at building self-esteem. Whenever you reward your child with an incentive, such as an allowance, add a comment that causes your child to think about doing the right thing. “You did a wonderful job on your chores. Here's your allowance. I hope you feel good about yourself.” Children Believe What You Tell Them Children act the way you expect them to act. If you tell your son that he is noisy, he will live up to that expectation. If you tell your son that he knows how to play quietly, he will live up to that expectation. When you put a t-shirt on a child that says “Here Comes Trouble,” you are encouraging your child to think of himself as a troublemaker. Here is what many parents say to teenagers who have messy bedrooms. I do not understand why you're so sloppy. Look at this mess. What's wrong with you? You can't even keep your closet straight. Aren't you ashamed? When was the last time you made this bed? You'll never change. What is the parent saying? “You are a slob. That's why your room is a mess. You will always be a slob. That's what I expect from you. I am giving up hope of any improvement.” Here is the same teenager, same bedroom, different message. You know, Tina, this is not like you. You are a neater person than this. I know you can be tidy. I know you have pride in yourself. I'm sure you can do better in the future. Don't you think so, too? Here is what the parent is saying. “I trust you. I have confidence in you. You can do better. Do it for your own sake.” Your child will not make radical changes overnight, but you will be planting a healthier seed in his mind. Be specific when you praise your children. Praise the behavior, not your child. “Your room looks great. It looks like you worked hard. I hope you are proud.” Do not say, “You are such a good boy for cleaning your room.” This has a double message. Is your son not good when his room is messy? Be generous with praise and encouragement, but use it wisely. Undeserved praise can lead to conceit or false confidence. Do not tell your child he has worked hard if he has not. By praising specific behavior, you clearly indicate correct decision-making. You call attention to strengths. This gives your child confidence. He will feel capable of making good decisions. Children need encouragement, especially children with poor self-esteem and children who lack persistence and determination. Encouragement gives children a boost of motivation. It helps them through difficult situations. It helps them face fears and withstand stress. It helps them solve problems and feel successful. Encouragement provides support, trust, and belief. Tell your child that you love and value him. Accept your child for what he is, not for what he does. Show trust and confidence in your child's abilities and decisions. Recognize effort and improvement. Summary Children believe what you tell them. Children act the way you expect them to act. If you focus on positive qualities you will build stronger positive qualities. Use praise and encouragement that teaches your children to value themselves. We once saw a poster with a child looking rather discouraged. The caption read, “When I mess up, no one forgets. When I do well, no one sees.” Positive feedback is easy to use, but we often forget. Retrain yourself to look for the positive qualities in your children. Look for good decisions. Spotlight good behavior.
ESTABLISHING AND ENFORCING RULES Q. Parenting books and magazines suggest using rules to help children learn self-discipline. But I have trouble enforcing the rules I have set. What is your advice? A.Rules tell your children how you want them to behave. Rules are expectations, and they guide children's decision-making. There are three factors to consider when developing expectations or rules: expectations must be specific, reasonable, and enforceable. Expectations Must Be Specific Expectations are specific when they communicate precisely what your child should or should not do. Most parents do not give their children clear and specific expectations. They say, “Clean your bedroom once a week.” This is not specific. Here is a specific expectation: Please clean your bedroom every Saturday morning before noon. Checklist: ¦ All dirty clothes put in the laundry basket. ¦ All furniture dusted and polished. ¦ Sheets changed. ¦ All toys in toy box. ¦ All clean clothes put away. ¦ Carpet vacuumed. Look at your expectations from your child's point of view. “Clean your room” can be vague and unclear. The task may look impossible to your child. A checklist gives your child exact steps to do — one at a time — and lets them know exactly when they have fulfilled your expectations. Expectations Must Be Reasonable Can your child accomplish the tasks you expect? The above checklist is specific, but it is unreasonable for a three-year-old. You can expect a young child to keep clothes and toys put away, but not dust and vacuum or change the sheets. Expectations Must Be Enforceable You can see when your child's bedroom is clean. The checklist is enforceable. Many parents have expectations that are not enforceable. This occurs often with teenagers. “You may never associate with Nicole again.” This rule is not enforceable. You cannot follow your daughter around school. You cannot control all the places your daughter may associate with Nicole. It would be more enforceable to restrict Nicole from coming to your home. “You may not invite Nicole to our home.” A few, well-developed rules and expectations are better than many poorly developed ones. Have a set of rules. Have a rule for cooperation, listening the first time, or following directions. Have a rule for morning and evening routines. Have a rule about chores. Have a rule about homework time. Keep in mind that, just like discipline, rules are our friends. Children crave rules just as they want discipline. Do you want to be more consistent? Clear, simple rules will ensure that you are consistent. In addition, they help you focus on priority behaviors. Consequences Teach Decision-Making Children earn positive consequences for choosing to follow rules. They earn negative consequences for not following rules. Consequences teach children how to make decisions. Good decisions result in positive consequences. Poor decisions result in negative consequences. Consequences teach children that there is cause-effect in the world. They begin to internalize this thought: “This is what happens when I choose this behavior.” Consequences must also be specific, reasonable, and enforceable. A consequence is specific when the child knows exactly what is going to happen and is able to understand, “If I choose this action, this will be the result.” Consequences are reasonable when they make sense. Most parents are more reasonable when they are not angry. Consequences must be enforceable. Choose consequences that you control. A physician asked for our advice. He promised his 12-year-old “anything he wanted” if he made the school honor roll. The boy made the honor roll and asked for a dune buggy. We told Dad he got off easy. The kid could have asked for a Porsche. Do not promise things you cannot deliver just to excite your child's motivation. At one seminar, a mother told her story from adolescence. Her father promised her a car if she improved in school. She explained how she remembered feeling. “Am I so bad and lazy that my father has to offer me a car to do better?” Her father's offer was well intended. It backfired. Promising a car was overdoing it. It was too much. It made her feel worse. It did not encourage her. “ It's Your Decision” Use rules and consequences to teach your children that behaving in a responsible manner is their choice. Their choices determine their consequences; you do not. “Stephanie, I would like you to be home for supper every day by five o'clock. I will trust you to be on time. You have shown a lot of responsibility lately. This will be an opportunity to prove your maturity.” Mom gives Stephanie an incentive for being home on time. “If you are home on time, you can stay up an extra half hour and go out and play the next day.” Mom explains the punishment. “If you choose to be late, you will go to bed at your regular time and not have play time the next day. It's your decision.” Stephanie agrees. When Stephanie is home on time, Mom compliments her. If Stephanie comes home late, Mom could say, “I'm really sorry you were late, Stephanie. It's too bad you will miss the last half-hour of your favorite show tonight. I really wanted you to see it.” Notice how this plan puts the responsibility on Stephanie, not Mom. Mom is still a nice person. She is on Stephanie's side. Stephanie makes the choice to go to bed early when she chooses to be late. Once expectations and consequences are set, stick to them. Be consistent. Be flexible before you establish expectations, not after an infraction. Reality Consequences Reality consequences occur naturally. A child who refuses to eat dinner goes hungry. A child who refuses to wash will develop body odor. When schoolmates begin commenting, the youngster will begin washing. Reality consequences also have positive results. A child who studies earns good grades. A child who does his chores earns an allowance. A youngster who exercises feels healthy. Reality consequences teach responsibility and decision-making because they permit children to learn from the real world. Use reality consequences whenever possible.
DATING Q. My daughter wants to date before she is 16. That is against our house rules. She thinks we are being unreasonable. How can we get her to understand it is for her well being that we are doing this? A.We have had these experiences already. Sometimes teenagers think that they know better than we do. Sometimes you just have to stick to your guns no matter how angry they get. They still know what the rule is and they are trying to test the boundaries. If you give in at all, even an inch, then they'll take a mile. Just reaffirm the rule and let them know that your family sticks to it. Talk to them about it. Agree to disagree if you have to. It's not easy when they're angry at you and accusing you of being unfair, but in the end you have to remember that you are the parent and they are the child. This is a time when you can also give them other options. They can go out with a group of friends or they could come to the house and play basketball or listen to music or have pizza.
ALLOWING TEENAGE COMPUTER USE Q. My teenager sometimes spends more than two hours on the computer in the evening. We don't know what he is doing, and we wish he would spend more time with us. How can we set limits on computer use? A.Setting limits on computer use is identical to setting any boundary for your children. Experts suggest that a healthy process for considering appropriate boundaries begins with this question: Is this boundary or limit really for the child's benefit? Once you have set your own feelings and prejudices aside and considered the developmental stage of your child, you are better equipped to set any limits or boundaries. To help your children learn to use the computer safely and wisely, first consider what is appropriate for his/her stage of development. Infants/toddlers: This stage is easy because young children do not have the skills to surf the Internet or load computer games. Computer use at this stage will be limited to what you and your child can do together and simple games or stories your child can control on his or her own. Children: Cyberspace and computer games are mostly inappropriate for children. Wise parents protects their children from excessive advertising, sex, and violence by providing secure filtering software and wholesome computer games. We also suggest setting up the computer in a central location so you can monitor and protect your child from inappropriate material. Teens: If you have a teenager, you probably already know about instant messaging, chat rooms, and other popular pastimes the Internet has to offer. So where do you draw the line for your teen? The first step is to find out about what your teen wants to explore via the computer and then consider what is appropriate given his/her stage of development. We tend to err on the side of protecting our teens from words and pictures that they do not have the judgment or wisdom to understand. In our experience, instant messaging can become a forum for harmful gossiping, so we have not allowed our children to participate. We also suggest that you move the computer out of his bedroom and into a central location so you can monitor where is he going on the Web. Have him tell you how much time he needs to spend on the computer doing school work, then agree on an appropriate amount of time for recreation. When a family needs to share a computer, we've found that a posted schedule works well. This is something you could cover at your weekly family meeting. Start by scheduling any time each family member needs for schoolwork or other business. Then have each family member select the extra blocks of time. Make sure that you set a policy for when someone can get on the computer when it is free, and what the daily time limit is.
for How To Behave So Your Children Will, Too! Here are some of the questions Dr. Sal hears when he speaks to parents around the country and in his online chats.
Q. It is traditional for our family to attend church services together,
but sometimes my children resist going. How should we handle the situation
when our kids are reluctant to accompany us to church?
A. For young children, church services can be long. They may be able
to sit easily through a one-hour cartoon, but one hour of church,
which is targeted to an adult audience, may be more than they can
comfortably endure. Consider putting your young children in the church
daycare during the service. Many churches offer teaching opportunities
for young children during this time, so they still receive the benefits
of simple lessons. If your church doesnt have a daycare, perhaps you
could suggest starting one, or you may need to find a church that
has one.
If you feel your children are old enough to accompany you to the services,
make sure you keep them busy with quiet activities. Consider choosing
books that teach the ideals in which your family believes. Coloring
books and crayons are a good option. You might take a drawing pad
and ask your children to draw a picture that relates to the theme
of the service, but check with your church first.
Since many church services start at mid-morningsnack time for young
childrenthey may become hungry during the services. Think about preparing
a non-sticky, non-crumbly snack that they may discretely eat during
or just before the service.
Finally, some churches start the service with families together in
the sanctuary. They may even have childrens church, a brief lesson
for the kids to enjoy, as well as the adults. Then the children are
escorted to the church daycare. If you can find a church of this type,
perhaps you will satisfy your desire to have your family together
in services for a time, while enabling you to avoid the distraction
of bored children when you would like to listen to the message. Such
an environment nutures the spiritual growth you desire for your children.
Q. Your book was truly a lifesaver for me! I purchased it about a
year ago and still find myself going back to it for tips on how to
effectively deal with my four-year-old son. Of course, we still have
our moments. But they happen a lot less often, and now we know how
to handle them.
I do have one quick question for you. We have, unfortunately, allowed
our son to sleep in our bed. My husband started working nights several
months ago, and I would allow my son to lay in my bed and watch a
video and then he would end up sleeping there all night. Now I can't
get him to sleep in his own bed. He tells me he is scared because
his window faces a road and when cars drive by shadows shine in his
room. I feel responsible for him feeling like he needs someone there
when he goes to bed. Any ideas?
A.
Young children love to sleep in bed with mom and dad. It is very
comforting and safe. There is nothing wrong with this occurring occasionally.
In fact, many parents enjoy having their children in bed with them
every night. It is a matter of choice. But it sounds like you have
decided it is time to stop. So now, if your son must sleep with you
every night, you have a pattern that needs to change. What is happening
with you and your son is not uncommon. It is a question I hear a lot.
So you are not a bad mom!
As with any behavior pattern change, you have your work cut out for
you. Chances are, this won't be easy. I would begin by having
talks during the daytime about bedtime. Encourage your son that he
can sleep alone -- he is a big boy! You may want to get some good
children's books about bedtime fear. I would also get a good
shade for his room to block out the shadows. Shadows can be very scary.
You might also play some music in his room or play stories on tape.
When my children were young, I would read their favorite storybooks
into a cassette tape and then they could play the tape at bedtime.
You might also develop a checklist for bedtime. This gives routine
and structure to going to bed. Finally, be firm. He needs to stay
in bed. If he comes into your room, comfort him briefly and then straight
back to his room. Repeat this consistently. This is the hard part.
I can tell you that these ideas have worked for hundreds of parents.
It takes judgment, sensitivity and consistency. Good luck!
Q. My husband and I are raising our grandchildren. They have just
come to live with us. What do we tell the school administration when
we enroll our grandchildren?
A.
The most important concept for your grandchildren to understand
is that whatever the reason, it is not their fault that they are living
with you instead of their parents. They are living with you because
of decisions that other people have made. "You are living with
us because other people have decided that's what is best for
you." Once children understand this, they feel better about themselves
and are better equipped with self-esteem to withstand pressure, teasing
and questions about their "real" parents.
Be honest with school personnel from the very beginning. Meet with
the principal, teacher or counselor and explain why your grandchildren
are living with you. If everyone knows the truth, there will be no
need to ask questions that may lead to embarrassment or defensiveness.
There are a variety of reasons why the number of children living with
grandparents increases every year. Some parents cannot afford to care
for their children. Some have to work so many hours to make financial
ends meet that they have nothing left for quality time. Some parents
are in jail. Some parents are drug addicted. Some have lost custody.
Some parents abandon their children.
No matter what the reason, most children feel a sense of deep loss.
During the twenty years I have worked as a school psychologist, I
have counseled with hundreds of children who are not being raised
by their natural parents. The majority of these children hope to be
reunited with their parents someday.
Let children know that it is okay to hope, but be realistic and honest.
Do not say dad has gone away to college if he is in prison. There
are some truths from which children may need protection. If you are
not sure about what to do, talk with a professional.
Q. Why do children misbehave?
A. There are several reasons why children misbehave. Sometimes, they
are having fun and want to continue to do what they are doing. So
they simply ignore you hoping that you will eventually give up and
leave them alone and let them continue to play. This is very common
in young children but can also be the reason for misbehavior in any
child at any age. Sometimes children misbehave or get into trouble
simply to impress their friends. This is the old peer pressure routine.
Sometimes children misbehave or make bad decisions in order to get
even with a parent. If a child or teen is angry because he could not
do something, he may strike out at a younger sibling or do something
to aggravate the parent simply to get even. These are some of the
more common reasons for misbehavior.
Q. Is punishment always best?
A. I believe that punishment needs to be part of the total discipline
process. However, it should be a small part. With misbehaviors that
are recurrent (most misbehaviors are!), punishment should only be
used after you have tried several positive remedies, but most adults
think of punishment first. Most adults believe that you always treat
misbehavior with a punishment. You can improve misbehavior by using
redirection. "My ears don't hear it when you tease. Please
ask in a polite voice and I will listen to you."
You can improve behavior by using positive feedback to strengthen
the opposite of the misbehavior. Your two children argue constantly.
"If you do not stop fighting you will both be grounded for the
weekend." Point out the opposite rather than punish. The opposite
of arguing is cooperating. Use encouragement and positive feedback
when they are cooperating and sharing. "It's good to see
you having fun. You should be proud of yourselves for the way you
are sharing the computer." Immediately resorting to punishment
traps many parents. Punishment only curtails misbehavior. Its effects
are minimal. Encouragement and positive feedback build self-esteem
and better permanent patterns of behavior.
Q. What is the goal of discipline?
A. The goal of good discipline is cooperation and self-control. Behave
and make good decisions because it is the right thing to do and because
it makes you feel good about yourself. Discipline means teaching children
to control themselves. If you want your children to be responsible
decision-makers, you must teach them self-control. If you force control,
they do not learn to master being in control. They do not develop
self-control skills and habits. This may result in children being
out of control.
Q. At what age does discipline begin?
A. Early, if you define discipline correctly! Discipline and punishment
are not the same. Discipline includes all those things that we do
as parents to teach our children how to make better decisions. Discipline
is teaching children how to make better choices about their behavior.
Discipline is teaching children to be responsible. Discipline is teaching
children to think for themselves. Discipline is teaching children
that they have the power to choose how they behave. Given this definition,
discipline begins at around 12 to 18 months, as soon as children begin
to comprehend language usually the word "no."
Q. Are there different consequences for different ages? What consequences work best?
A. You should always factor development and comprehension into any
situation. It is typical for children to whine and have tantrums at
age three. It is not typical for a ten-year-old. You also need to
factor in hunger, fatigue, peers, time of day, etc. Parents need to
realize that not all annoying behavior is misconduct. However, for
the most part, misbehavior can be defined the same at any age. It
is when a child refuses to do what is asked or when a child does something
he or she has been told not to do.
Let's say two children are having fun but they are playing too
loudly. This is typical and is not misbehavior. Dad asks the children
to play more quietly because he is on the phone. The children ignore
Dad and play just as loud as before. Now, they are misbehaving. An
appropriate consequence might be to separate them for a few minutes.
When they each can promise to play more quietly, try again!
When you must use a punishment, keep it simple and short. For young
children, sit-aways and time-outs work best; for older children, use
loss of privilege or loss of an activity. Also, remember that an apology
is an effective way of teaching.
Q. My six-year-old son can't stand losing games. I told him that if he didn't learn to play fair he would never have any friends. I want to console him when he loses. What should I do? Please help!
A. All children like to win. Unfortunately, when you play a game that is competitive, there is a winner and one or more losers. If your child wants to participate in this type of game, he must realize that he may lose. A child of six is old enough to understand this basic, albeit difficult, lesson. You can make it a little easier by minimizing the importance of winning and enlarging the importance of fair play and having fun. Playing by the rules-taking turns, cheering for others, having fun-are all more important than winning. Once a child learns these foundations, he will be ready for more competitive games.
When you play competitive games, play games that are quick, such as tic-tac-toe. A new game starts every few minutes. This gives your child more chances to win and more opportunity to learn that losing is not a big deal. If you lose, just start a new game. Maybe you will win next time.
Another technique is to play team games. Have your child team up with an adult. If your child's team loses, the adult partner can model appropriate ways to behave when you lose. Have the adult partner teach the rules of the game by example. Explain why games have rules. Rules organize the game. Rules help everyone understand the game.
Spend time playing non-competitive activities, such as doing puzzles, legos, blocks, crafts, etc. Play a game like "I Spy." These types of activities allow children to learn social skills without the risk of losing.
I think it is fine to remind your child how important it is to play fair. I do not think it is a good idea to tell him he will not have friends if he does not play fair. This will plant the seed in his mind that because of this one problem with playing games, he may never have friends. Many children could interpret this as: "Other children do not like you." You do not want this to become a self-fulfilling idea.
Knowing when to comfort a child takes judgment. If your child is upset because he lost a game, it is natural for parents to want to console his loss. However, the risk is that when your child loses and you are not there, he may have difficulty adjusting without your comfort. Keep your consolation brief. "I am sorry you are feeling sad about losing. Keep trying, and you may win next time." When your child loses and does not become upset, compliment him by building his self-esteem. "I am glad to see you did not get angry. Good for you. That shows you are really growing up. I hope you feel good about that."
Q. I have finished reading your book and it has helped me more than you can imagine. But I still have a problem with my two boys fighting. They are 8 and 14. They fight and say very nasty things to each other all the time. I know that the 8 year-old just wants his brother's attention. I want to get a hand on this before they get any older. Please help.
A. Thank you for the kind words about my book. I agree that the younger children are, the easier it is to establish the correct patterns. But I also believe that it is never too late to change or help others see the reason to change. I would first try to convince your older son that you (and his brother) really need his help. Since he is older, you want to be able to count on him to be more responsible. But if you do, then he should receive more respect and trust from you and perhaps even more privileges. In other words, "I expect more because you are older; therefore you have more freedoms." I would also explain that helping his younger brother by sharing and speaking politely, (perhaps even complimenting him once in a while) is simply a nice thing to do. Now for the younger brother, he still needs to learn that his older brother is not always going to be his keeper. He needs to learn to be okay with or without his brother's approval. These are very long-term goals for all of you. Stay positive with both boys-reinforce times when they show cooperation-and they will continue to make progress.
Ask Brent and Phelecia Hatch
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